TORODAMUS himself was graciously invited to interview the starting quarterback for the Houston Texans, Mr. Matthew Amadeus Alexander Schaub ESQ. INC.*

(* not actual name)

The occasion was the FedEx Office NFL promotion at the FedEx Office location at 2200 Southwest Freeway in Houston, where Matt would be packing and shipping gifts for eager customers.

They had six NFL stars in NFL cities packing boxes this morning…but only one of them had to face the interrogative powers of TORODAMUS.

Hopped up on coffee and Whataburger Taquitos, I arrived at the FedEx Office at 10 am, it was cold and dreary. It could not possibly have felt more like Christmas. I went inside and met the FedEx and PR execs, and after a minor cavity frisking they believed my story and agreed to let me meet the QB.

(kidding, they were very nice and didn’t frisk my cavity even though I offered to pay handsomely.)

News crews from all three local networks showed up, along with a broadcast team from Sports Radio 610…it was then I was informed that I would get to interview Matt first. Whoa. I thought I’d be lucky to ask one question after a long line of serious journalists plowed him for soundbytes. Trippy I said to myself. I had better pick up the game on my blither, lest TORODAMUS would look a fool.

Matt showed up and FedEx immediately put him to work, teaching him how to properly pack and tape a box for shipment. Let’s just say Matt made the correct career choice. It was thoroughly taped but in a mild crazy person fashion.

Suddenly they gave me the nod and Matt walked up to the counter and shook my hand. He is very tall in person…and that’s when I started to sweat.

TOROTIMES: First off you did a great job packing that box, I just moved cross country and that would definitely not get broken..

MATT SCHAUB #8: It was a rough start but I’ll get it going. It only gets better from here.

TT: Who is your favorite team to beat in the NFL?

#8: The Tennessee Titans.

TT: Good answer. That’ll get you a lot of free meals here in Houston. Speaking of, what’s your favorite restaurant here in Houston?

#8: Vic & Anthony’s

TT: What’s your favorite thing to eat there?

#8: Steak.

TT: Nothing but protein eh?

#8: Absolutely.

TT: Right on, Right on. No veggies?

#8: Well, yeah. I mean, there’s broccoli on the side…and macaroni and cheese.

TT: Of course here in Texas, Macaroni and Cheese is considered a vegetable.

#8: I didn’t realize that, I hadn’t learned that in my 3 years here yet.

TT: Dude, you can pour bacon grease on it and its still considered vegetarian here…

So who is your favorite comedian?

#8: Jerry Seinfeld.

TT: Jerry Seinfeld? Really? Have you ever seen him live?

#8: Absolutely.

TT: Right on. Who is your least favorite comedian?

#8: Can’t say I have a LEAST favorite…

TT: Ok. What’s your favorite TV show?

#8: Seinfeld.

TT: Double Seinfeld huh? The show about nothing?

#8: Exactly, that’s it.

TT: What’s funnier, Caddyshack or Wayne’s World?

#8: Hmm, Caddyshack.

TT: Right on! Another good answer. When you were a kid, what QB or football player did you most look up to?

#8: John Elway.

TT: Has Coach Kubiak told you any stories about playing with him for all those years?

#8: Uh, yeah he’s had a few, a lot of times he just kinda likes to stay in the present, not talk much about the past.

Clearly angry about something in the PRESENT.

TT: Uh, ok then. Who is or was a better teammate, Michael Vick or Rex Grossman?

#8: They were both great teammates, I’ve only been here with Rex for a year – not even a year quite yet – had three years with Mike but , uh, right now I’d have to say that working with Rex has really helped me, you know, just being where he’s coming from having played in a Super Bowl and everything.

TT: Ok, so lets call it a tie.

#8: Yeah, that sounds good.

TT: Football locker rooms are notoriously stinky disgusting places…

#8: I think that’s stereotypical, I don’t think that’s necessarily true. But people could think that.

TT: Would you say that it’s probably cleaner in the NFL than in college or high school locker rooms?

#8: Yeah, the place gets cleaned almost daily for sanitary purposes.

TT: Who of your current teammates is probably the stinkiest?

#8: Oh come on, I’m not going to sell out any of my teammates!

TT: You come on!

#8: Naw, I’m not going to do it.

TT: Ok, I get it. What about college or high school teammates? They aren’t around anymore…

#8: Yeah but they keep in touch and they’ll probably read it.

It's me. You smelt it, I dealt it.

TT: What’s the most effective heckle you’ve heard from a fan at home or on the road?

#8: (blank)

TT: One that either got to you, made you laugh or both?

#8: Gosh, it’s hard to single any one thing out. Fans are so, uh, I don’t know- fickle that they think of any old thing and they don’t hesitate to pull out all the stops. You know a lot of the times it just makes you laugh, it’s really hard to pick one out of the bunch.

TT: So who are the better hecklers; men, women, or kids?

#8: Definitely Men.

TT: Yeah, ‘cause they go all out huh?

#8: Yeah.

TT: What’s the worst movie ever made that you ever saw?

#8: Oh, well, to be honest with you, looking back as I love movies its hard to pick one out of the past, but one I’ve seen recently in the hotel that I thought was really bad and immediately went in my bottom 5 was District Nine.

TT: Oh yeah? You didn’t like District Nine?

#8: I didn’t like it. I almost turned it off. I just couldn’t take it, it was not my cup of tea.

TT: Right on, then what kind of movie is your cup of tea? Seinfeld movies?

#8: I like really all kinds of movies, I’m just not really into sci-fi. You know, action, comedy…

TT: Do you like Will Ferrell stuff?

#8: Oh yeah, absolutely.

TT: Interesting you’d say that, you were a back-up quarterback in Atlanta and your wife was a cheerleader there, correct?

#8: Yes.

TT; Have you considered selling that as a romantic comedy to production companies in Hollywood?

#8: Not just yet, we haven’t gotten that far yet.

TT: Well if so, who would play Matt Schaub?

#8: (he laughs) Were you stemming from Will Ferrell to this, thinking that I was going to say him?

TT: Naw, I was thinking maybe one of the Wilson brothers.

#8: The Wilson brothers?

TT: Yeah, you know, Owen and the other one?

#8: Who is the other one?

Camera Guy: Luke and Andrew.

TT: Luke. Luke Wilson. Not Andrew, he’s the one nobody knows.

#8: See, you’re talking about Will Ferrell but Vince Vaughan – he’s more my height, dark hair, you know what I mean? And he’s kinda my sense of humor…

TT: Right on, I can see that. So anyway, you are from Westchester PA, right?

#8: That’s right.

TT: Did you know Bam Margera and those dudes?

#8: I did not. Not personally, I knew of them.

TT: They were the stoner skaters in town?

#8: They were a little bit older I think, my sister who is 3 years older than me and her friends I think knew them once upon a time.

TT: Your old coach, Al Groh at UVA got fired yesterday. Do you keep in touch with him? How is he doing?

#8: I do, I keep in touch with him, we probably, you know, once every 5 or 6 weeks to just talk. I called him and left a message, haven’t heard back yet, I’m sure he’ll get back in touch.

TT: Are you going to get him a job with the Texans or something like that?

#8: I can’t promise him anything but I’m sure he’ll-you know, he’s a football guy and I’m sure he’s going to take some time and he’ll be able to get a job somewhere soon.

PR tells me I have one more question…

TT: Ok, well, how would you feel if the Texans drafted Tim Tebow?

#8: What kind of question is that?

TT: It’s the only hard question I got.

#8: Umm, I mean he’s a great player, you know, I’m sure whoever picks him up he’s gonna – he would definitely help our team in some form or fashion.

TT: Cool, thank you very much Matt.

#8: No problem.

TT: You rule, good luck this week.

TORODAMUS and his river of flop sweat was then swept aside to let the man get to some serious work. I hope Matt wasn’t cranky with me, I had to ask at least one difficult question, there were too many cameras there for me to puss out and only ask fluff. Personally I’d like to see Matt lead us to many Super Bowls and become the first Texan in the Hall of Fame…but him AND Tebow would be awesome!!

I’d like to thank the legion of readers who submitted questions on twitter and I look forward to getting more input in the future. Follow me at twitter.com/johnwessling or @johnwessling

Oh, and if you ship any gifts to family and friends this Holiday Season please go to FedEx Office and let the trained professionals – or QB’s – handle it for you.

Dang Coach, is there a proverbial pile of dog poop that we don't step in?

Oh cursed Pine Sol! You have failed me and the glorious Houston Texans by giving me FALSE VISIONS of Texans victory over the Colts last week!

For your sins against football, I banish you and your pine-lemony airs of freshness from under my sink! All my picks last week were MUCHO FAIL, I came in 7-6.

Kris Brown! OH NOES!!

That’s over 50% correct, better results than most bookies or blind chickens pickin’ corn, BUT only perfection is good enough for TORODAMUS!!!

This week I’m switching to some vintage left-over Rug Doctor Carpet Cleaning solution to open my neural pathways…glug-glug-glug…wow, that’s very peppery. Urf.

(he crumples, his mouth starts frothing, then he suddenly lays still)

TORODAMUS awakens naked atop the old Enron building during a hurricane and screams to the stormy heavens above, “The TEXANS shall win the BYE WEEK!”

BYE WEEK FEVER! CATCH IT!

Elsewhere in the NFL in week 10…

Chicago in San Francisco… In spite of this being published a full 2 1/2 days after the game was played, amazingly TORODAMUS predicted the score and outcome exactly, 49ers win 10-6.

New Orleans at St. Louis… No need for Drew Brees to pass even once, Lucky Pierre Thomas shall run for 3TD’s and 180 yds. Saints crush the Rams, 35-17

**Tampa Bay at Miami… Straight out of 1987, Josh Freeman and the Fuccanears will get hot Testaverde-style in creamsicle white road throwback jerseys and tame the Wildcat. Bucs 28, Fish 24.

Detroit at Minnesota… In 99% of all alternate realities, the Lions lose this game by double digits. In this world, they lose by triple! Vikings 125-2.

Jacksonville at NY Jets… USC got cornholed by Stanford so Mark Sanchez plays big to pick everybody up, throws for 350 and 3 TD’s. Jets 20-14.

Buffalo at Tennessee… VY’s comeback is better than TO’s, Tight-ones win 30-21.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh… The Bengals are a team on the way up and the Steelers are a team holding still, OCHOCINCO goes loco catching 15 passes, Cinci wins 28-17.

Lazy eye? What lazy eye?

**Denver at Washington… The Redskins Hogs make for an EXCELLENT SLUMPBUSTER for the Broncos. Denver wins 42-14.

Atlanta at Carolina… Michael Turner Overdrive will run for 200, but Jake Delhomme will be the reason the Panthers lose, Falcons 27-22.

Kansas City at Oakland… A first ever in the history of sport, both teams lose. Raiders 0, Chiefs -2.

Seattle at Arizona… Kurt Warner goes crazy, throws for 400 yards and bags everybody’s groceries. Cards by 35-20.

Dallas at Green Bay… Aaron Rodgers nuts up and crushes Romo and the Austin Cowboys. Pack wins 28-17.

Philadelphia at San Diego… Once again I predict Michael Vick will score his first TD since returning from prison for killing dogs for money and stuff. But Phillip Rivers gets all crossed-eyed and country-fied on the Philth-adelphia D. Chargers win a shootout 49-42.

New England at Indianapolis… Peyton Manning will win the game but Tom Brady gets to have sex with Gisele Bundchen immediately afterwards. Advantage Tom Brady. Colts win 31-24.

MNF Baltimore at Cleveland… TORODAMUS predicts that millions of Americans will watch NBA basketball on TNT instead. Sorry ESPN, you can’t win them all. Flacco’s uni-brow 21, Brady Quinn’s roid-balls 20.

To preview a big NFL game, some fansites will play simulation games on MADDEN 10 and predict the outcome that way…but not me. I’m no gamer. I gave up on video games when the Sega Dreamcast took a dump.

For my opinions and decisions on the week 9 NFL match-ups, I tap into a completely different realm, seeking my answers directly from the future.

In VISIONS.

You see, I am… (sfx: lightning crash) TORODAMUS!!! (sfx: lady screams)

Here’s how it works…

Each Wednesday I blindfold myself and take a random swig from a cleaning supply under my sink. I kick like a trout on the floor for about 15-20 minutes and during that time I have crystal clear visions of the coming Sunday’s NFL action.

It is a horrible superpower to have BUT I have been champion of my free Yahoo fantasy football league for the last five years…so I have that going for me, which is nice.

Ok, here we go. Chug Time!

Mmmm, lemony…not bad…Pine Sol, my favorite. Ugh…

(sfx: THUD)

TORODAMUS awakens in a field of dewey clovers outside of Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis Indiana. He raises his arms to the sky and proclaimeth, “In the land of open wheel racing, the mighty MAN-ning shall fall. The MAD COWS from the South will vanquish his Mighty COLTS!”

1st Quarter

DeMeco Ryans will out-smart Peyton on one of his famous audibles and take a pick 6 on the opening drive. Joseph Addai answers soon after with a long and fruitful run to paydirt.

TIED 7-7

2nd Quarter

Big Brother Manning sees something he likes and scores twice to Garcon and Dallas Clark. Matt Schaub hits Andre Johnson on a bomb and “The Other” Kris Brown nails a FG

HALFTIME SCORE, COLTS LEAD 21-17

During the intermission, head coach Gary Kubiak will give an impassioned speech to his men. During this speech he gets extremely angry and punches a locker. This breaks his fingers, exposing bare bone.

3rd Quarter

The wily Peyton strikes quick and deep on the first possession to a streaking Dallas Clark. Then the 3 headed monster in the backfield comes alive for the Texans, Ryan Moats scoring on a grinding 12 play, 80 yard drive.

COLTS lead 28-24

4th Quarter

Brian Cushing and DeMeco Ryans meet in the backfield, crushing the former MVP Manning, forcing a fumble which leads directly to a Steve Slaton highlight run to the house. On the PAT, a bad snap ends up in Kris Brown’s hands and he finds Joel Dreessen in the end-zone for 2 points.

Jim Sorgi fills in for the concussed Manning and gets more of the same, getting crushed by Super Mario Brutha Williams. The Texans drive the ball and kill the clock, thanks to the power running of “The Other Other” Chris Brown. Houston adds a short FG at the end, much to the chagrin of the now-empty Lucas Oil Stadium crowd.

"Good work guys! Who wants a BLUMPKIN?"

After filling their bellies with steak and receiving much pleasure from their wenches, the glorious warriors of Houston return home at 6-3, in the driver’s seat for the AFC Wild Card.

TEXANS WIN 35-28.

The Rest of the NFL… Continue Reading »

For his 10 tackles, 1 sack and 1 pick against the Bills last Sunday, Texans rookie LB Brian Cushing gets a shiny new trophy for his parents’ house…or maybe it’s a platinum chain…or a coupon for one free neck tattoo…who knows what kind of prizes NFL players get?

Brian Cushing, STONE COLD PLAYA

Congrats Cush! You’ve earned it the hard way, smashing fools with your face, flying around like a crazy person, making big-time plays and working hard every down. More importantly than the award and the contract incentives, now you have serious street-cred as a pro athlete…It’s time to cut a rap album!

Wait, hear me out. A lot of guys in the rap game call themselves “players” but have no credentials as such, YOU have been officially recognized by the NF-M’erF’n-L as the AFC’s BEST PLAYER on two occasions now. Take that momentum into the studio with some top-shelf producers and beat makers. B-Cush is an awesome rap name.

C’mon Cush, DO IT FOR THE FANS! (that usually works…)

I tell you what, because I’m a FAN, I’m gonna hook you up. My buddy Jim Patton and I wrote a bomb track for Young Jeezy called “Hella-Pad” that we’ll give you…It’s a guaranteed #1 ringtone! It’s yours, **absolutely FREE!!

(** the price is ONE interview for torotimes.com)

It doesn’t matter how bad it is, you know they’ll be kicking it on campus at USC and featuring it during party scenes on The Hills…

I'm gonna blitz your B gap with my slow jamz.

Ok, I’m just being stupid. Good work Brian and to the rest of the Texans defense for tightening up after the first few weeks of the season. Now that you guys have it all figured out, we look forward to maximum domination in the second half. I just dropped the Chargers D and picked you guys up in the league that I actually bet money on. If that’s not dedication, I don’t know what is!

Brian is also up for NFL Rookie of the Week which seems like a done-deal no-brainer, BUT help a player out and vote for him at HOUSTONTEXANS.com

While you’re there, throw Ryan Moats some love for the FEDEX GROUND NFL Player of the Week!