TORODAMUS! Week 9 Predictions & Pontifications
By johnwessling
To preview a big NFL game, some fansites will play simulation games on MADDEN 10 and predict the outcome that way…but not me. I’m no gamer. I gave up on video games when the Sega Dreamcast took a dump.
For my opinions and decisions on the week 9 NFL match-ups, I tap into a completely different realm, seeking my answers directly from the future.
In VISIONS.
You see, I am… (sfx: lightning crash) TORODAMUS!!! (sfx: lady screams)
Here’s how it works…
Each Wednesday I blindfold myself and take a random swig from a cleaning supply under my sink. I kick like a trout on the floor for about 15-20 minutes and during that time I have crystal clear visions of the coming Sunday’s NFL action.
It is a horrible superpower to have BUT I have been champion of my free Yahoo fantasy football league for the last five years…so I have that going for me, which is nice.
Ok, here we go. Chug Time!
Mmmm, lemony…not bad…Pine Sol, my favorite. Ugh…
TORODAMUS awakens in a field of dewey clovers outside of Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis Indiana. He raises his arms to the sky and proclaimeth, “In the land of open wheel racing, the mighty MAN-ning shall fall. The MAD COWS from the South will vanquish his Mighty COLTS!”
1st Quarter
DeMeco Ryans will out-smart Peyton on one of his famous audibles and take a pick 6 on the opening drive. Joseph Addai answers soon after with a long and fruitful run to paydirt.
TIED 7-7
2nd Quarter
Big Brother Manning sees something he likes and scores twice to Garcon and Dallas Clark. Matt Schaub hits Andre Johnson on a bomb and “The Other” Kris Brown nails a FG
HALFTIME SCORE, COLTS LEAD 21-17
During the intermission, head coach Gary Kubiak will give an impassioned speech to his men. During this speech he gets extremely angry and punches a locker. This breaks his fingers, exposing bare bone.
3rd Quarter
The wily Peyton strikes quick and deep on the first possession to a streaking Dallas Clark. Then the 3 headed monster in the backfield comes alive for the Texans, Ryan Moats scoring on a grinding 12 play, 80 yard drive.
COLTS lead 28-24
4th Quarter
Brian Cushing and DeMeco Ryans meet in the backfield, crushing the former MVP Manning, forcing a fumble which leads directly to a Steve Slaton highlight run to the house. On the PAT, a bad snap ends up in Kris Brown’s hands and he finds Joel Dreessen in the end-zone for 2 points.
Jim Sorgi fills in for the concussed Manning and gets more of the same, getting crushed by Super Mario Brutha Williams. The Texans drive the ball and kill the clock, thanks to the power running of “The Other Other” Chris Brown. Houston adds a short FG at the end, much to the chagrin of the now-empty Lucas Oil Stadium crowd.
After filling their bellies with steak and receiving much pleasure from their wenches, the glorious warriors of Houston return home at 6-3, in the driver’s seat for the AFC Wild Card.
TEXANS WIN 35-28.
The Rest of the NFL…
Washington at Atlanta … The FALCONS destroy the Skins, going away early and often. 42-16.
**Arizona at Chicago … Jay Cutler gets a BIG WIN for the Bears, coming back late, 27-21.
Baltimore at Cincinnati … Cold weather makes lips freeze while kissing the baby, BENGALS barely win, 17-14.
Miami at New England … The PATS are super-charged up after their BYE and will beat the Fish up, 35-14.
Green Bay at Tampa Bay … Aaron Rodgers will win the Battle of the Bay single-handedly in effort to rebound from getting Favre rubbed in his face last week.
Kansas City at Jacksonville … The Chiefs are going to get a gritty, ugly road win that will surely crush the Jags on a spiritual level, 13-10.
Carolina at New Orleans … The Saints take punches as well as they give them and will pound a prideful Panther team, 38-28.
Detroit at Seattle … The 12th Man will be nice, but they only need 9 to beat the Lions, 31-3.
Tennessee at San Francisco … Vince Young has a nasty habit of winning football games in California, the Titans put a streak together over the 49ers, 27-14.
San Diego at NY Giants … Eli Manning’s foot hurts worse than he’s letting on but he keeps playing hurt. Philip Rivers wins the grudge match this time around after torching the Giants exposed corners, Chargers win 34-24.
Dallas at Philadelphia … Michael Vick will score his first TD and the Eagles will grab the driver’s seat in the NFC East. The Eagles ease the Phillie Phanatics pain, beating the ‘Boys 28-20.
MNF– Pittsburgh at Denver … Hines Ward will go banana’s and Kyle Orton’s bubble will pop, Steelers win big, 42-14
Come back next week to check the results of Pine-Sol’s great predictive powers.
Until then, TORODAMUS…OUT!!