TORODAMUS himself was graciously invited to interview the starting quarterback for the Houston Texans, Mr. Matthew Amadeus Alexander Schaub ESQ. INC.*
(* not actual name)
The occasion was the FedEx Office NFL promotion at the FedEx Office location at 2200 Southwest Freeway in Houston, where Matt would be packing and shipping gifts for eager customers.
They had six NFL stars in NFL cities packing boxes this morning…but only one of them had to face the interrogative powers of TORODAMUS.
Hopped up on coffee and Whataburger Taquitos, I arrived at the FedEx Office at 10 am, it was cold and dreary. It could not possibly have felt more like Christmas. I went inside and met the FedEx and PR execs, and after a minor cavity frisking they believed my story and agreed to let me meet the QB.
(kidding, they were very nice and didn’t frisk my cavity even though I offered to pay handsomely.)
News crews from all three local networks showed up, along with a broadcast team from Sports Radio 610…it was then I was informed that I would get to interview Matt first. Whoa. I thought I’d be lucky to ask one question after a long line of serious journalists plowed him for soundbytes. Trippy I said to myself. I had better pick up the game on my blither, lest TORODAMUS would look a fool.
Matt showed up and FedEx immediately put him to work, teaching him how to properly pack and tape a box for shipment. Let’s just say Matt made the correct career choice. It was thoroughly taped but in a mild crazy person fashion.
Suddenly they gave me the nod and Matt walked up to the counter and shook my hand. He is very tall in person…and that’s when I started to sweat.
TOROTIMES: First off you did a great job packing that box, I just moved cross country and that would definitely not get broken..
MATT SCHAUB #8: It was a rough start but I’ll get it going. It only gets better from here.
TT: Who is your favorite team to beat in the NFL?
#8: The Tennessee Titans.
TT: Good answer. That’ll get you a lot of free meals here in Houston. Speaking of, what’s your favorite restaurant here in Houston?
#8: Vic & Anthony’s
TT: What’s your favorite thing to eat there?
TT: Nothing but protein eh?
TT: Right on, Right on. No veggies?
#8: Well, yeah. I mean, there’s broccoli on the side…and macaroni and cheese.
TT: Of course here in Texas, Macaroni and Cheese is considered a vegetable.
#8: I didn’t realize that, I hadn’t learned that in my 3 years here yet.
TT: Dude, you can pour bacon grease on it and its still considered vegetarian here…
So who is your favorite comedian?
#8: Jerry Seinfeld.
TT: Jerry Seinfeld? Really? Have you ever seen him live?
TT: Right on. Who is your least favorite comedian?
#8: Can’t say I have a LEAST favorite…
TT: Ok. What’s your favorite TV show?
TT: Double Seinfeld huh? The show about nothing?
#8: Exactly, that’s it.
TT: What’s funnier, Caddyshack or Wayne’s World?
#8: Hmm, Caddyshack.
TT: Right on! Another good answer. When you were a kid, what QB or football player did you most look up to?
#8: John Elway.
TT: Has Coach Kubiak told you any stories about playing with him for all those years?
#8: Uh, yeah he’s had a few, a lot of times he just kinda likes to stay in the present, not talk much about the past.
TT: Uh, ok then. Who is or was a better teammate, Michael Vick or Rex Grossman?
#8: They were both great teammates, I’ve only been here with Rex for a year – not even a year quite yet – had three years with Mike but , uh, right now I’d have to say that working with Rex has really helped me, you know, just being where he’s coming from having played in a Super Bowl and everything.
TT: Ok, so lets call it a tie.
#8: Yeah, that sounds good.
TT: Football locker rooms are notoriously stinky disgusting places…
#8: I think that’s stereotypical, I don’t think that’s necessarily true. But people could think that.
TT: Would you say that it’s probably cleaner in the NFL than in college or high school locker rooms?
#8: Yeah, the place gets cleaned almost daily for sanitary purposes.
TT: Who of your current teammates is probably the stinkiest?
#8: Oh come on, I’m not going to sell out any of my teammates!
TT: You come on!
#8: Naw, I’m not going to do it.
TT: Ok, I get it. What about college or high school teammates? They aren’t around anymore…
#8: Yeah but they keep in touch and they’ll probably read it.
TT: What’s the most effective heckle you’ve heard from a fan at home or on the road?
TT: One that either got to you, made you laugh or both?
#8: Gosh, it’s hard to single any one thing out. Fans are so, uh, I don’t know- fickle that they think of any old thing and they don’t hesitate to pull out all the stops. You know a lot of the times it just makes you laugh, it’s really hard to pick one out of the bunch.
TT: So who are the better hecklers; men, women, or kids?
#8: Definitely Men.
TT: Yeah, ‘cause they go all out huh?
TT: What’s the worst movie ever made that you ever saw?
#8: Oh, well, to be honest with you, looking back as I love movies its hard to pick one out of the past, but one I’ve seen recently in the hotel that I thought was really bad and immediately went in my bottom 5 was District Nine.
TT: Oh yeah? You didn’t like District Nine?
#8: I didn’t like it. I almost turned it off. I just couldn’t take it, it was not my cup of tea.
TT: Right on, then what kind of movie is your cup of tea? Seinfeld movies?
#8: I like really all kinds of movies, I’m just not really into sci-fi. You know, action, comedy…
TT: Do you like Will Ferrell stuff?
#8: Oh yeah, absolutely.
TT: Interesting you’d say that, you were a back-up quarterback in Atlanta and your wife was a cheerleader there, correct?
TT; Have you considered selling that as a romantic comedy to production companies in Hollywood?
#8: Not just yet, we haven’t gotten that far yet.
TT: Well if so, who would play Matt Schaub?
#8: (he laughs) Were you stemming from Will Ferrell to this, thinking that I was going to say him?
TT: Naw, I was thinking maybe one of the Wilson brothers.
#8: The Wilson brothers?
TT: Yeah, you know, Owen and the other one?
#8: Who is the other one?
Camera Guy: Luke and Andrew.
TT: Luke. Luke Wilson. Not Andrew, he’s the one nobody knows.
#8: See, you’re talking about Will Ferrell but Vince Vaughan – he’s more my height, dark hair, you know what I mean? And he’s kinda my sense of humor…
TT: Right on, I can see that. So anyway, you are from Westchester PA, right?
#8: That’s right.
TT: Did you know Bam Margera and those dudes?
#8: I did not. Not personally, I knew of them.
TT: They were the stoner skaters in town?
#8: They were a little bit older I think, my sister who is 3 years older than me and her friends I think knew them once upon a time.
TT: Your old coach, Al Groh at UVA got fired yesterday. Do you keep in touch with him? How is he doing?
#8: I do, I keep in touch with him, we probably, you know, once every 5 or 6 weeks to just talk. I called him and left a message, haven’t heard back yet, I’m sure he’ll get back in touch.
TT: Are you going to get him a job with the Texans or something like that?
#8: I can’t promise him anything but I’m sure he’ll-you know, he’s a football guy and I’m sure he’s going to take some time and he’ll be able to get a job somewhere soon.
PR tells me I have one more question…
TT: Ok, well, how would you feel if the Texans drafted Tim Tebow?
#8: What kind of question is that?
TT: It’s the only hard question I got.
#8: Umm, I mean he’s a great player, you know, I’m sure whoever picks him up he’s gonna – he would definitely help our team in some form or fashion.
TT: Cool, thank you very much Matt.
#8: No problem.
TT: You rule, good luck this week.
TORODAMUS and his river of flop sweat was then swept aside to let the man get to some serious work. I hope Matt wasn’t cranky with me, I had to ask at least one difficult question, there were too many cameras there for me to puss out and only ask fluff. Personally I’d like to see Matt lead us to many Super Bowls and become the first Texan in the Hall of Fame…but him AND Tebow would be awesome!!
I’d like to thank the legion of readers who submitted questions on twitter and I look forward to getting more input in the future. Follow me at twitter.com/johnwessling or @johnwessling
Oh, and if you ship any gifts to family and friends this Holiday Season please go to FedEx Office and let the trained professionals – or QB’s – handle it for you.