For your sins against football, I banish you and your pine-lemony airs of freshness from under my sink! All my picks last week were MUCHO FAIL, I came in 7-6.
That’s over 50% correct, better results than most bookies or blind chickens pickin’ corn, BUT only perfection is good enough for TORODAMUS!!!
This week I’m switching to some vintage left-over Rug Doctor Carpet Cleaning solution to open my neural pathways…glug-glug-glug…wow, that’s very peppery. Urf.
(he crumples, his mouth starts frothing, then he suddenly lays still)
TORODAMUS awakens naked atop the old Enron building during a hurricane and screams to the stormy heavens above, “The TEXANS shall win the BYE WEEK!”
Elsewhere in the NFL in week 10…
Chicago in San Francisco… In spite of this being published a full 2 1/2 days after the game was played, amazingly TORODAMUS predicted the score and outcome exactly, 49ers win 10-6.
New Orleans at St. Louis… No need for Drew Brees to pass even once, Lucky Pierre Thomas shall run for 3TD’s and 180 yds. Saints crush the Rams, 35-17
**Tampa Bay at Miami… Straight out of 1987, Josh Freeman and the Fuccanears will get hot Testaverde-style in creamsicle white road throwback jerseys and tame the Wildcat. Bucs 28, Fish 24.
Detroit at Minnesota… In 99% of all alternate realities, the Lions lose this game by double digits. In this world, they lose by triple! Vikings 125-2.
Jacksonville at NY Jets… USC got cornholed by Stanford so Mark Sanchez plays big to pick everybody up, throws for 350 and 3 TD’s. Jets 20-14.
Buffalo at Tennessee… VY’s comeback is better than TO’s, Tight-ones win 30-21.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh… The Bengals are a team on the way up and the Steelers are a team holding still, OCHOCINCO goes loco catching 15 passes, Cinci wins 28-17.
**Denver at Washington… The Redskins Hogs make for an EXCELLENT SLUMPBUSTER for the Broncos. Denver wins 42-14.
Atlanta at Carolina… Michael Turner Overdrive will run for 200, but Jake Delhomme will be the reason the Panthers lose, Falcons 27-22.
Kansas City at Oakland… A first ever in the history of sport, both teams lose. Raiders 0, Chiefs -2.
Seattle at Arizona… Kurt Warner goes crazy, throws for 400 yards and bags everybody’s groceries. Cards by 35-20.
Dallas at Green Bay… Aaron Rodgers nuts up and crushes Romo and the Austin Cowboys. Pack wins 28-17.
Philadelphia at San Diego… Once again I predict Michael Vick will score his first TD since returning from prison for killing dogs for money and stuff. But Phillip Rivers gets all crossed-eyed and country-fied on the Philth-adelphia D. Chargers win a shootout 49-42.
New England at Indianapolis… Peyton Manning will win the game but Tom Brady gets to have sex with Gisele Bundchen immediately afterwards. Advantage Tom Brady. Colts win 31-24.
MNF Baltimore at Cleveland… TORODAMUS predicts that millions of Americans will watch NBA basketball on TNT instead. Sorry ESPN, you can’t win them all. Flacco’s uni-brow 21, Brady Quinn’s roid-balls 20.