Smell that? That’s victory. The Houston Texans are sneakily becoming the hottest team in the NFL, so now it’s time for you to get off the fence and fully commit yourself as a die-hard, true-blue, double-barrel, bona-fide FANATIC.
The Texans bandwagon is quite roomy, with drink service and free nachos…let me show you how to fit in with the crazies on our trip to the SUPER BOWL XLIV promised land.
1. Head gear. Your hat really starts the party. I recommend a big beautiful straw Stetson. The Stetson’s understated class and refinement will make you seem less drunk at the Gate C security checkpoint.
2. Back story. Just because you are a recent convert to the Texans impending glory doesn’t mean you have to ACT like one! Imagine yourself some kind of powerful cattleman who has been a booster of the team since its inception. Pretend it was your sizeable donation that pays for the fireworks when the team rushes the field…OR that your Crown Royal tab from the first two seasons at Reliant Stadium paid for the new weight room and two whirlpools…remember, no line of BS is too bold, this is TEXAS!
3. Get to know Texans history! Feel free to bag on David Carr. He made horrible passes…threw so many interceptions he qualified as a punter…took sacks like a statue…etc. But make sure you don’t go TOO FAR bagging on him, temper your scorn with “Good kid though, loves his wife, loves Jesus, wish him luck with the Giants…”
4. Pick a favorite current player. Most of you couldn’t pick a Texan out of a police line-up so you gotta pick one you like, or have something in common with, from your hometown, wears your number from high school…make sure you stop short of stalking the guy though! Getting arrested in Jeff Zgonina’s yard will get you free drinks at the sports bar, but you WILL be banned from the games.
5. Look at the Texans remaining schedule, research and prepare an argument why they can beat everyone left and go undefeated all the way to the Super Bowl. If you can imagine 13-3 then so can that hammered Cougar in the CUSHING jersey you’ve cruising for the last hour.
6. Pick up every available Texan you possibly can in your fantasy football league. It’s the only way you can prove that you REALLY like the team…except for–
7. Put your MONEY where your mouth is. Bet on the Texans to win (or at least cover) all the remaining games of the year. Come on, look at the early line favoring the Colts by 9!! Are you shitting me?? That is a slap in the face of every man woman and child in the state of Texas, those greasy bookies in Vegas will pay for their disrespect!! Go big or go home!
8. Did you order a personalized Houston Texans jersey from nflshop.com yet?!?! Well JFC buddy, get on that mess right now!!
9. Accept Coach Kubiak into your heart as your own personal Dr. Phil and life coach. Send him hand written notes with questions about your life and spiritual journey. Let his wisdom and tough love chase your inner puss-puss running and screaming from your body. You won’t get any ACTUAL written response, you’ll have to interpret his feelings in the fleeting moments when they show his face on the sidelines during the game.
10. Expunge your soul of all allegiances to any other NFL team and commit yourself to the Texans like a shaolin monk. We don’t care if you grew up in New York, went to college in Pittsburgh or if Mike Ditka delivered you as a baby in a Chicago taxi cab…you are with US now.
You are a Texan. Reliant Stadium is your Vatican. BBQ and Shiner Bock are your new blood and water!
That is…until we lose.
Hey look! The Saints are undefeated! Mardi Gras sounds fun!!