Oh cursed Pine Sol! You have failed me and the glorious Houston Texans by giving me FALSE VISIONS of Texans victory over the Colts last week!
For your sins against football, I banish you and your pine-lemony airs of freshness from under my sink! All my picks last week were MUCHO FAIL, I came in 7-6.
That’s over 50% correct, better results than most bookies or blind chickens pickin’ corn, BUT only perfection is good enough for TORODAMUS!!!
This week I’m switching to some vintage left-over Rug Doctor Carpet Cleaning solution to open my neural pathways…glug-glug-glug…wow, that’s very peppery. Urf.
(he crumples, his mouth [...]

To preview a big NFL game, some fansites will play simulation games on MADDEN 10 and predict the outcome that way…but not me. I’m no gamer. I gave up on video games when the Sega Dreamcast took a dump.
For my opinions and decisions on the week 9 NFL match-ups, I tap into a completely different realm, seeking my answers directly from the future.
In VISIONS.

You see, I am… (sfx: lightning crash) TORODAMUS!!! (sfx: lady screams)
Here’s how it works…
Each Wednesday I blindfold myself and take a random swig from a cleaning supply under my sink. I kick like a trout on the [...]

For his 10 tackles, 1 sack and 1 pick against the Bills last Sunday, Texans rookie LB Brian Cushing gets a shiny new trophy for his parents’ house…or maybe it’s a platinum chain…or a coupon for one free neck tattoo…who knows what kind of prizes NFL players get?
Congrats Cush! You’ve earned it the hard way, smashing fools with your face, flying around like a crazy person, making big-time plays and working hard every down. More importantly than the award and the contract incentives, now you have serious street-cred as a pro athlete…It’s time to cut a rap album!
Wait, hear me [...]

Smell that? That’s victory. The Houston Texans are sneakily becoming the hottest team in the NFL, so now it’s time for you to get off the fence and fully commit yourself as a die-hard, true-blue, double-barrel, bona-fide FANATIC.
The Texans bandwagon is quite roomy, with drink service and free nachos…let me show you how to fit in with the crazies on our trip to the SUPER BOWL XLIV promised land.
1. Head gear. Your hat really starts the party. I recommend a big beautiful straw Stetson. The Stetson’s understated class and refinement will make you seem less drunk at the Gate C [...]

The Houston Texans beat Buffalo 31-10 on the back of Ryan “Game Over” Moats who ran strong for 3 TD’s in the 4th quarter.
Louisiana Tech’s own Ryan Moats ended his career best day with 126 yards rushing on 23 carries and the 3 money-balls. You just heard two sounds…one was Steve Slaton’s ass hitting the bench and the other was 10,000 simultaneous mouse clicks from dudes like me adding R. Moats to fantasy teams all around the world.
The Texans D came to play in a big way in Buffalo today, holding the Bills to 97 yards rushing and only 107 [...]